What to do when the Guru in your life is celebrating his/her birthday, Saints day, Planetary conjunction or length of beard day? Such tricky moments throw up difficult questions for any student of enlightenment in a digital age. What can you possibly gift Guru when s/he already embodies universal wholeness and material satisfaction? Well, fret no more, for the teapotmOnk has researched* what most Gurus still lack. Just slip a ball-point pen and this handy suggestion list under your Guru as s/he is levitating so when they return to Earth they can circle the item that appeals the most.
TO MY DEAREST GURU: PLEASE CIRCLE YOUR FAVOURITE GIFT* FROM THE TOP 5 LIST HERE. NAMASTE
*Selection voted by readers of i-GURU Magazine March 2019
AT Nº 5: CLIP-ON PONY TAIL (INSTANT REBEL APPEAL)
GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: Nothing fools students into thinking something has changed like a new personal image for the year ahead. But what can an average Guru do if he is thinning on top? Help him reach Steven Seagal status with this instant Clip-On Pony Tail and watch class numbers soar as new disciples sign-up convinced they will absorb some of his new hairy wisdom. Proven in scientific tests, the Clip-On Pony Tail can triple class attendance and student devotion percentages in less than 24 hours. Guaranteed satisfaction or your money back. Paypal and Bit Coins now accepted.
AT Nº 4: THE BLUETOOTH INCENSE STICK
GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: Numbers dwindling in your Qigong class? Students unconvinced with all your talk about energy transmission powers? Are you finding class members snoring as you recount anecdotes about your mystical powers? Put damaging rumours to rest once and for all with this exclusive Bluetooth Incense Set. Easy to use:
*Kiwi “Chang Caine”
*Fists of Frankincense
AT Nº 3: THE GURU AUDIO BOOK OF BORROWED WISDOM
GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: As a Guru, are you always being asked to utter snippets of universal wisdom at parties, political rallies and at the opening of new supermarkets? It’s not always easy to come up with the appropriate mystical cliche, despite the presence of a swinging pony-tail. or you Bluetooth Incense Set. There is, however, another answer — The Guru Audio Book of Borrowed Wisdom. This fantastic set of popular quotes comes in all spoken audio formats with the voice of your choice:
With the Audio Book are included a set of ludicrously expensive new bluetooth ear-phones that can be activated using any one of the following phrases:
Clinically proven under laboratory conditions, the Guru Audio Book of Borrowed Wisdom will have your fans queuing up for a signed selfie before you have even begun to applaud yourself.
AT Nº 2: THE ENTIRE ENLIGHTENMENT DVD SET
GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: One of the greatest problems Gurus must tackle — often at book signing events or at the launching of ocean liners for example — is how NOT to appear bored when lesser mortals — (particularly political leaders or members of royal families) ask mundane questions about the road to enlightenment.
Dissolve such problems with this special DVD set! Nine out of every ten Gurus now carry with them this handy set of 248 DVDs that contain all the answers to all the questions about the known universe. Deflect all tricky questions by quickly selling a set.
INCLUDED IN THE 248 DVD COLLECTION:
AT Nº 1:THE I-GURU SATIN SUIT (NOW DELIVERED BY DRONE)
GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: Yes it’s back again as this years winner and top purchase: the Essential i-Guru Friendly Satin Suit specially updated and designed for all westerners who feel in need of supplementing their scarce Eastern roots.
Guaranteed instant success in all clinical trials, donning the I-Guru Satin Suit (now with Instagram reinforced sleeves) will:
REAL GIFTS FOR THE TAI CHI PERSON IN YOUR LIFE
Of course, you may just have stumbled across this post and be thinking to yourself, is this for real? If so, I offer my humble apologies and suggest a more thorough exploration of the teapotmonk website to gain a little contextual background to such articles - and where you may well stumble across such genuine gifts for Tai Chi students or gurus such as these books, audio books, tai chi music or even gift a tai chi course.
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