THE TOP FIVE GIFTS FOR THE TAI CHI GURU IN YOUR LIFE

26/12/2016

What to do when the Guru in your life is celebrating his/her birthday, Saints day, Planetary conjunction or length of beard day? Such tricky moments throw up difficult questions for any student of enlightenment in a digital age. What can you possibly gift Guru when s/he already embodies universal wholeness and material satisfaction? Well, fret no more, for the teapotmOnk has researched* what most Gurus still lack. Just slip a ball-point pen and this handy suggestion list under your Guru as s/he is levitating so when they return to Earth they can circle the item that appeals the most.
*Selection voted by readers of i-GURU Magazine December 2019

Looking the serious list of gifts? Check out this link for books/music/online courses, free PDF's and more

TO MY DEAREST GURU: PLEASE CIRCLE YOUR FAVOURITE GIFT* FROM THE TOP 5 LIST HERE. NAMASTE

AT Nº 5: CLIP-ON PONY TAIL FOR INSTANT REBEL APPEAL

GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: Nothing fools students into thinking something has changed like a new personal image for the year ahead. But what can an average Guru do if he is thinning on top? Help him reach Steven Seagal status with this instant Clip-On Pony Tail and watch class numbers soar as new disciples sign-up convinced they will absorb some of his new hairy wisdom. Proven in scientific tests, the Clip-On Pony Tail can triple class attendance and student devotion percentages in less than 24 hours. Guaranteed satisfaction or your money back. Paypal and Bit Coins now accepted.

AT Nº 4: THE BLUETOOTH INCENSE STICK

TAI CHI GIFTS THE BLUETOOTH INCENSE STICK

GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: Numbers dwindling in your Qigong class? Students unconvinced with all your talk about energy transmission powers? Are you finding class members snoring as you recount anecdotes about your mystical powers? Put damaging rumours to rest once and for all with this exclusive Bluetooth Incense Set. Easy to use:

Download the i-Incense app (Free on IOS and Android).
Whilst snapping your usual selfie during class instructions, activate the i-Incense app and utter the following words: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” and watch as Siri (or your mobile speech assistant) will miraculously ignite the incense from a distance of up to 20m. Watch as students fall to their knees.
Word will spread quickly and membership numbers will return to normal levels.

Now available in 3 new evocative aromas:
*Kiwi “Chang Caine”
*Elon Musk
*Fists of Frankincense

AT Nº 3: THE GURU AUDIO BOOK OF BORROWED WISDOM

GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: As a Guru, are you always being asked to utter snippets of universal wisdom at parties, political rallies and at the opening of new supermarkets? It’s not always easy to come up with the appropriate mystical cliche, despite the presence of a swinging pony-tail. or you Bluetooth Incense Set. There is, however, another answer — The Guru Audio Book of Borrowed Wisdom. This fantastic set of popular quotes comes in all spoken audio formats with the voice of your choice:
*Grouch Marx
*Morgan freeman
*Donald Trump
*David Carradine
With the Audio Book are included a set of ludicrously expensive new bluetooth ear-phones that can be activated using any one of the following phrases:

“Thank you for inviting my esteemed self here today in order to alleviate your suffering and...”
“As my Guru said in private to me, just before he ascended to the heavens of immortality….”
“As I wrote in my 3rd autobiography — now available as a box set on Amazon…”
As Gandhi and I would often joke…”

Siri — or your chosen speech assistant — will then automatically transmit to the ear-phones a random quote from Thoreau, Bruce Lee, Little-Finger, Gandhi, Alan Watts, Tommy Shelby or Tommy Cooper for you to claim as your own.
Clinically proven under laboratory conditions, the Guru Audio Book of Borrowed Wisdom will have your fans queuing up for a signed selfie before you have even begun to applaud yourself.

CHECK OUT THE REAL GIFT SELECTION

NOW BACK TO THE TOP 5 LIST...

AT Nº 2: THE ENTIRE ENLIGHTENMENT DVD SET

GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: One of the greatest problems Gurus must tackle — often at book signing events or at the launching of ocean liners for example — is how NOT to appear bored when lesser mortals — (particularly political leaders or members of royal families) ask mundane questions about the road to enlightenment.
Dissolve such problems with this special DVD set! Nine out of every ten Gurus now carry with them this handy set of 248 DVDs that contain all the answers to all the questions about the known universe. Deflect all tricky questions by quickly selling a set.
BONUS! NOW INCLUDED IN THE 248 DVD COLLECTION:

*The Alan Watts blank Bullet Journal (now designed for Apple Watch)
*Alphabetically ordered: Every TED video from the past 14 years
*What the Bleep throat lozenges.
*The Way of the Peaceful Warrior — Colouring Book,
*The Entire Prisoner TV Series Pop-Up Book
*The Matrix Trilogy handy Kitchen-Apron
*Gorgeous Groundhog Day Oven-Glove
*The Blade Runner sheet music for the harmonica

AT Nº 1:THE I-GURU SATIN SUIT (NOW DELIVERED BY DRONE)

GURU APPEAL SPECIAL NOTES: Yes it’s back again as this years winner and top purchase: the Essential i-Guru Friendly Satin Suit specially updated and designed for all westerners who feel in need of supplementing their scarce Eastern roots.
Guaranteed instant success in all clinical trials, donning the I-Guru Satin Suit (now with Instagram reinforced sleeves) will:

Elevate your spiritual status on any website
Triple your Facebook followers
Rocket your DVD sales
Convince the uninitiated that you retain some esoteric connection with the East.

Cheaper than actually going to the Orient, each jacket now contains:

A series of concealed 28 megapixel front-facing cameras within the buttons so you can stream everything you ever do, say or perform live - on social media.
All suits are selected for their iron-proof creases, mystical halo-shine and with extra long arm-length (tuck them up like Jet Lee does!).
Now each suit is machine cut from single piece of aluminium.

REAL GIFTS FOR THE TAI CHI PERSON IN YOUR LIFE

Of course, you may just have stumbled across this post and be thinking to yourself, is this for real? If so, I offer my humble apologies and suggest a more thorough exploration to gain a little contextual background to such articles - and where you may well stumble across such genuine gifts for Tai Chi students or gurus listed here.

THE REAL LIST OF TAI CHI GIFTS

Comments

21ST CENTURY TAI CHI