THE TOP FIVE GIFTS FOR THE TAI CHI GURU IN YOUR LIFE
What can you possibly gift your Guru, Sifu, Master or Enlightened One when s/he already embodies universal wholeness and spiritual wealth?
Fret no more, for the teapotmOnk has researched* what most Gurus still desire in this all-time Top 5 Gifts for Gurus Chart**. Just slip a ball-point pen and this handy suggestion list under your Guru as s/he is levitating so when they return to Earth they can circle the item that appeals the most.
**WARNING! Prepare yourself for something surreal. If however, you have stumbled across this page looking for a genuine gift, you may be advised to check out the books or courses. Want to gift someone a course? Email me here
The Top 5 Gifts for your Gurus birthday, Saints day, Planetary conjunction or length of beard day.*
*Votes counted using a secret Whats App Poll by readers of The Anti-GURU Monthly Magazine December 2022
GIFT Nº 5: CLIP-ON PONY TAIL FOR INSTANT REBEL APPEAL
YANG-OVERDOSED GURU DILEMNA: Nothing fools students into thinking something has changed like a new personal image for the year ahead. But what can an average Yang overdosed Guru do if he is thinning on top? Help him reach Steven Seagal status with this instant Clip-On Pony Tail and watch class numbers soar as new disciples sign-up convinced they will absorb some of his new hairy wisdom. Proven in scientific tests, the Clip-On Pony Tail can triple class attendance and student devotion in less than 24 hours.
*Guaranteed satisfaction or money back. Paypal and Bitcoin now accepted.
GIFT Nº 4: THE BLUETOOTH INCENSE STICK
GURU DILEMNA:
Numbers dwindling in your Qigong class?
Students unconvinced with all your talk about energy transmission powers?
Are you finding class members snoring as you recount anecdotes about your mystical powers?
Put damaging rumours to rest once and for all with this exclusive Bluetooth Incense Set.
INSTRUCTiONS:
Download the i-Incense app (Free on IOS and Android).
Whilst snapping your usual selfie during class registration, activate the i-Incense app with the following phrase:
“Be the change you wish to see in the world”
Marvel as Siri, Alexa, or your mobile speech assistant will miraculously ignite the incense from a distance of up to 20m.
Watch as students fall to their knees.
“Thanks to the Bluetooth Incense App my membership numbers have returned to pre-crisis levels.” S. Seagal.
Now available in 3 new evocative aromas:
*Kiwi “Chang Caine”
*Elon Musk
*Fists of Frankincense
GIFT Nº 3: THE GURU AUDIO BOOK OF BORROWED WISDOM
GURU DILEMNA: As a Guru, are you always being asked to utter snippets of universal wisdom at pandemic parties, political rallies, or at the opening of new supermarkets? It’s not always easy to come up with the appropriate mystical cliche, despite the presence of a swinging pony-tail. or your Bluetooth Incense Set. There is, however, another answer — The Guru Audio Book of Borrowed Wisdom. This eclectic set of quotes comes in all spoken audio formats with the voice of your choice:
*Groucho Marx
*Morgan freeman
*Carl Sagan
*David Carradine
PLUS! A free set of bluetooth in-beard-phones that activate using any one of the following phrases:
“Thank you for inviting my esteemed self here today in order to alleviate your spiritual and economic suffering ...”
“As my Guru said in private to me, just before he ascended to the heavens of immortality on the back of a crane….”
“As I wrote in my 3rd autobiography — now available as a holographic audio-box set on Amazon…”
As Gandhi and I would often joke…”
Siri — or your chosen speech assistant — will then automatically transmit to the beard-phones a random quote from Thoreau, Bruce Lee, Dalai Lama, Ekhart Tolle, Alan Watts, Tommy Shelby or Tommy Cooper. Just move your lips and pretend it is you speaking!
Clinically proven under laboratory conditions, the Guru Audio Book of Borrowed Wisdom will have your fans queuing up for a signed selfie before you have even begun to applaud yourself.
GIFT Nº 2: THE ENTIRE ENLIGHTENMENT DVD SET
GURU DILEMNA:
One of the greatest problems Gurus must tackle — often at book signing events or at the launching of ocean liners for example — is how NOT to appear bored when lesser mortals — (particularly political leaders or members of royal families) ask mundane questions about the road to enlightenment.
Dissolve such problems with this special DVD set! Nine out of every ten Gurus now carry with them this handy set of 248 DVDs that contain all the answers to all the questions about the known universe. Deflect all tricky questions by quickly selling a set.
BONUS! NOW INCLUDED IN THE 248 DVD COLLECTION:
*The Alan Watts blank Bullet Journal (now designed for Apple Watch)
*Alphabetically ordered: Every TED video from the past 14 years
*What the Bleep throat lozenges
*The Way of the Peaceful Warrior — Colouring Book
*The Entire Prisoner TV Series Pop-Up Book
*The Matrix Trilogy handy Kitchen-Apron
*Gorgeous Groundhog Day Oven-Glove
*The Blade Runner sheet music for the spoons
GIFT Nº 1:THE I-GURU SATIN SUIT (NOW DELIVERED BY DRONE)
GURU DILEMNA:
Yes it’s back again as this years winner and top purchase: the Essential i-Guru Satin Suit specially updated and designed for all westerners who feel in need of supplementing their scarce Eastern roots.
Guaranteed instant success in all clinical trials, donning the I-Guru Satin Suit (now with Instagram reinforced sleeves) will:
Elevate your spiritual status on any website (Google Analytics built-in to every button)
Triple your Linkedin Groups
Rocket your DVD sales
Convince the uninitiated that you maintain some esoteric connection with the East.
Cheaper than actually going to the Orient, each jacket now contains:
A series of concealed 28 megapixel front-facing cameras within the buttons so you can stream everything you ever do, say or perform live - on instagram Reels
All suits are selected for their iron-proof creases, mystical halo-shine and with extra long arm-length (tuck them up like Jet Lee does!)
Each suit is machine-cut from single piece of aluminium.
Comes with popular social-media hashtags pre-installed
NOT SURE WHAT YOU HAVE JUST READ?
Don’t worry, its just the teapotmonk messing about. But the message is still valid. Don’t take yourself too seriously, and find ways to laugh more. Especially when practising Eastern Arts. If after all that, you still are looking for that elusive gift, then as I mentioned at the beginning, browse the courses or books available from the teapotmonk. Email me if you would like to gift someone one of these. Thanks for reading and I hope it raised a smile…
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